It's becoming more and more of an odd, reoccurring phenomenon that I keep seeing the live action Transformers movies when I didn't grow up with Transformers. I like the concept of Transformers and I loved Beast Machines as a kid so maybe that's what drags me back. So, after seeing the first movie and finding it an alright flick I probably thought the same of the sequel, right?

Wrong.

I've never in my life seen a movie with so much going on (two and a half hours) have so little soul or life to it. The movie has all the feel of being fabricated for people who have very base expectations. I don't want to get on a high horse about this, but critically this movie was a massive failure and people keep trying to balk this. I can't see how.

Let's get something straight, my issues are NOT with the concept of Transformers nor anything to do with their mythos, both in this movie and other media. The simple concept of good robots vs bad robots is NOT an issue. You can have a decent movie with this concept. The first movie managed to more or less portray this concept. I also have no issue with a movie that's primarily about giant robots beating the crap out of each other. I like this idea, but like any idea it has to be done with some finesse. Yes, even giant robots.

Revenge of the Fallen did not do the concept justice. Revenge of the Fallen was about hours of explosions and special effects with nothing to give them purpose. If anyone really felt that the humor, human characters and their scenarios were sincere, they really need to wake up and see natural interaction. Everything about this movie that involved people was horrible contrived.

Megan Fox is there for men to want to FUCK HER. Slow motion running and model posing in "causal" situations only serve to position her as a sex object and nothing more. Let me make myself clear, having a character who's attractive is NOT WRONG if that character is WORTHWHILE. Megan Fox is merely there for eye candy and a completely bogus "love" story with Shia. It's so two dimensional that it's really funny to watch.

Sex jokes are HILARIOUS! You know, because Transformers need to have balls, dogs need to hump legs and FUCKING AUTOBOTS have to swear at you and play up racist and incomprehensibly RANDOM stereotypes! Who seriously thought it made any sense for Autobots to have big ears, gold teeth and talk "street"? Honestly, the Decepticons can turn into people, liquid metal and tap into government satellites in the movie and all the Autobots manage to do beyond turning into cars is ADAPT RACIALLY INSENSITIVE CARICATURES?

. . .

This movie is just bad. It has a neat concept with the original Decepticon, the "Fallen", but it's so full of excessive explosions, weapon fire, lame immature humor and entirely phoned in acting to begin to ever dive into it. I'm all for a simple, good vs. evil dynamic, but this movie doesn't care about it's characters or it's story. It cares about a demographic that will devour this lame facade up and tote it as cinematic gold.

I really wasn't angry after this movie. I laughed at it and enjoyed criticizing its obvious flaws in good humor. However, I became agitated when I saw the defense this film was getting by some people. Don't mistake me, I respect that people could and did like this. What I can't understand is why it isn't DESPITE of the movie's flaws, but BECAUSE of them. People LIKE the racist Autobots. People LIKE the dogs humping and Shia's parents spouting out catch phrases and trite dribble. People LIKE two and half hours of explosion after explosion with hardly a moment to stop and catch up with any semblance of story. People LIKE mediocre! Not as camp, not as farce but as serious, sincere interest. Bad is the new good!

No, what I liked of Revenge of the Fallen DESPITE its avalanche of flaws were the moments where Optimus Prime was fighting against evil and kicking ass, anything involving Bumblebee who still retains the sort of innocence lost to much of this version of "Transfomers" and the enjoyably corny JetFire as an old Transformer, something that felt quite in place for the cartoon show. Beyond that, I felt this movie was a shallow exercise in appeasing a demographic of very easily satisfied people.

Oh, and the Sector Seven guy COMPLETELY vindicated himself from the first movie. He was awful the first go around and with the second take he was a welcome, and often life saving, addition to a human cast nearly devoid of any spirit or personal relation.

When it all comes down to it, this movie was intolerable mainly due to its length. It's one thing to watch a bad movie over the span of an hour. Pushing nearly three hours is just inexcusable. Over two hours is too much for a film that refuses to ever have more than a spark of humanity to it. I just remarked to a friend earlier today about how the film felt like it was made by a machine and the irony of that is overwhelming.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen . . . far less than met the eye or the imagination.